Friday, August 7, 2009

In Memoriam.

Yesterday, when I collected the mail from the porch, I found the envelope with Barbara’s book of poems. I was thrilled. Barbara and I both arrived in the small mountain town of Prescott, Arizona, in 2000; I came for a job and a man, she came there with her husband to retire. We met through the local college where I was teaching and where the community group for publishing poets and fiction writers initially met. The group eventually ended up getting together at her house, which had a stunning view of the red sandstone formations, the chino grasslands, and the snow-capped mountains to the north. Arizona landscape changes color the way fabric does that's been dipped in a dye wash—quickly and in liquid waves. Her yard's backdrop was like watching cinema natura.

It was also the cleanest, sparest space I've ever loved being in. Her great room area (really the living and dining rooms and kitchen all under one cathedral-ceiling space) was generally white and absolutely without knick-knack. Her room's color was in the art and the blue leather sofa and the long wall of glass that opened into the northern view. I am not usually given to rooms devoid of objects, nor can I imagine getting my house to the point that there aren't some stacks of papers and random...thingeys...laying around. But I loved being at Barbara's. She always had a fresh carton of half-and-half in the fridge for the just-brewed, afternoon coffee, and she always had a plate of some cookie or another on the table where we huddled to read and mark each other's pages. It was a comfort to be there, among friends and cats and words.

When I opened her book on Wednesday—in true Barbara style, she titled it Pinch Me—out fell two engraved cards. One was devastating in its simplicity: her name followed by her dates, November 10, 1950-June 27, 2009. The other invited me to her memorial brunch next weekend. We hadn't been in touch since my move to California, although I thank her by name on the acknowledgments page of my poetry book, the one I first held in my hands just days before her death. I wish she would have known that I was grateful for her guidance. I suppose I was guilty of thinking she could beat anything—any disease—any recurrence—time itself. That was not to be. She had fought cancer a couple times and won. Or, at least, bought herself some space to be herself in. I am glad for the reprieve, as I met and got to know her in those hard-won years, and she got to do the thing she always wanted: be a full-time writer, publish a book of her poems.

The first thing I did after opening the package yesterday (sent me by her husband, by the way) was to read her poems through, from start to finish. She did not shirk the grim muse. Her voice is fierce—yet warm, and even reverent—at the end, in the end, and it’s no wonder that I’m still hearing it in my ear. The second thing I did was to go to my shelves and pull out several books by various poets that I had lent her a while back, so I could read the post-it notes she had stuck on their covers for me—her response to the work. I left them in place, all of them, because that was the effect that Barbara’s words had on a person. They rang true enough to want to hold on to them:

Linda, I think this is awful poetry. I didn’t feel anything but irritated and sometimes wondered if C.L. played a random game with her dictionary to select her next word. And if I read one more poem with the word ‘canoodle’ in it, I think I’ll lose it. At least her poems weren’t espaliered across the page—that would have been pure torture! Barbara

Linda, I liked these poems—was especially taken with those on p. 5 and p. 11. Her work is agonizingly tweaked and polished. Barbara

Linda, There’s a good essay by Peter Campion in here, as well as a damning review of Wright’s Cooling Time ! ? Barbara

These are the three notes I came across on a quick scan of my shelves yesterday. What I know is that there are more of her notes stuck to more of my books and that I will come across them haphazardly some future afternoon when I’m looking for something to read, and I will open a book to find Barbara’s words staring back at me from a little square of yellow or orange. I am looking forward to those meetings.

The sound of my unused life
is delight darkly.

RIP Barbara.


  1. This is a beautiful and heartbreaking essay. I am so sorry for your loss.

  2. What a good friend to have come across, and a blessing that you'll be able to come across her again and again.

  3. This summer... this summer.

    It's sometimes hardest when you're surprised by the loss.

    I'm thinking of you, sister.

  4. Your piece touched me so.

    I've tried to write this a few times, and guess I can't. But the people, the straight ahead people who live without frills and excessive adjectives, their criticism can instantly crush, and their compliments are like a rocketship straight to the moon.

    Such people are very special and live bravely.

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss, Linda.

    "I suppose I was guilty of thinking she could beat anything—any disease—any recurrence—time itself." I know exactly what you mean.

    Your friend left a beautiful trail of herself. I hope for the same.

  6. This is a haunting essay and tribute to your friend. Thank you for sharing.

  7. I read your beautiful tribute yesterday. It got under my skin. I went for a short hike up in the Crest last evening and found myself crying on the drive home. Mr V "what gives?". I couldn't explain it. Something to do with the transfer of energy. I'm at a loss when these strong personalities in our lives that "get us" leave us.

  8. I try to use these comments as a place to add something, some insight or observation, to what the blogger has said.

    But I got nothin'. You've said all that needs to be said, and beautifully. I'm sorry for your loss. Dis manibus...